Untangling Desire: What's Actually Mine?

Lately, the question around what does my heart truly desire has been weighing on me like a constant in everything that I do. If I am being totally transparent, my upcoming birthday this month is carrying a different burden in my mind than any before. I'm about to be halfway through my thirties and I have never felt less certain about where my path is leading me. 

Most days that unfolding path is a source of pride for me. I relish in the bravery required to embark on the path of discovery. But recently has come an overflowing river of questions that follow…Who says I need to know? Is the true joy found in the in-between of knowing and believing that my path will lead me to fulfillment? What does fulfillment even mean for me? I can tell you one thing - I have been grappling with the realization, and perhaps truth, that fulfillment for me looks deeply different than most of the people around me. The people that I love deeply and who have beautiful lives with incredible milestones worthy of celebrating like home ownership, big weddings, children, material things, promotions in their corporate jobs, etc. 

When I look at them, I feel my heart swell with pride that they're achieving their goals and in turn, I wonder why I feel pressure to do the same? If I am cracking my heart open and looking at the raw, messy pieces I can see that the make-up of my being is asking for something different. But exactly how different? And different by what definition? It feels terrifying to know that I want something else, but to not know exactly what. The risk feels so large when you can't see the reward in its tangible, intricate details. When all I know at the moment is the “different” I'm reaching for in the abstract, in the examples, in the random, small things. I have a pile of little broken, beautiful pieces of glass and have no insight into what the mosaic is supposed to create.

Over the course of the last 4 years I dismantled my life in the most liberating and equally terrifying way possible. I left the career I felt confident in to pursue something completely different and fulfilling. I chose to pursue citizenship of another country, fulfilling a childhood wish that I never put much merit to its feasibility. In conjunction with that decision, I decided to temporarily give up living alone in a city I adored to financially achieve my goal of moving abroad. My independence and my own space is of utmost importance to me, so that one was especially difficult to do. 

I've found a lack of resonance with things that used to be my norm and a desire to be intentionally uncomfortable because of the aliveness it makes me feel. I have no idea if I want children or not, and hear the constant ticking of my biological clock in the echoes of my mind to make a decision. I've been lit up by the experience of travel in ways I didn't know were possible, through the introduction from a relationship, and have finally felt like the itch I've not known how to scratch is finally finding some relief. I feel like I’m constantly learning through living and it’s the most present I’ve ever felt.

But as I look around me, I wonder what desire is innately mine? Which desires have been dried seeds wedged into the crevices of my heart, searching for a drop of water to have the chance to sprout and bloom into something beautiful? And which desires have been watered, tended to, and cared for that actually I've just been holding because I believe I'm supposed to? And the biggest question of all - how the hell do you find out the answer?

How much of the pressure to be married by a certain age, buy a house, have children, that I feel is because they're my own desires or the majority of people around me? When I sit quietly with this, I know if I were ten years younger that I would feel no pressure to figure these things out. Which tells me the desire is more influenced by outside factors than something that lives within me. The pressure comes from feeling like I “should” have these things by my age, and the ugly monster of time starts to rear its head and breath down my neck.

How much of my desire to chase curiosity through the world, wherever it may lead me, is adopted from the desires of a romantic partner? How much of feeling inspired and intellectually stimulated by the experience of exposing myself to new people, new cultures, learning history through experience, is something that lived within me before this person entered my life? Or has this relationship served as the pathway to giving me the confidence and opportunity to discover this which already lived within me? And…does it really matter what the answer is? 

This long ramble brings me back to this. I have been experiencing intense shame around choosing something different than everyone around me. The funny part is, shame breeds in silence. I know this through my work and it’s what I sit with my clients with every week. Which is why I am vulnerably laying it all out on the virtual paper here for the world to see. 

Most of the people around me may not understand my desires but they are supportive of them. Any judgement I've ever felt has only been from lack of understanding, not from an effort to change me. And there is grief in that in and of itself…that even though I am supported in this, I feel lonely. I feel scared. I feel fear around making the “wrong” decision. I feel fear around submitting to my desires that are so wildly different from the people around me. And the question rattling in my brain 24/7 as I'm currently spending time abroad backpacking is this - what desires are actually my own? If I could know this, I could set down the fear of not being authentic to myself. 

I believe we're the culmination of a million fragments of people we've encountered, loved, and experienced throughout our lives. The way we braid our hair like the way our mom did when we were little and couldn't do it ourselves. The way we pronounce the word 'terrible' just like your best friend does. The small, silly phrase we still use randomly taken from a messy situationship in our 20's. The way we sign our emails like an old boss from an internship. The recipe for tiramisu you'll always make because of that love filled evening making it from scratch for the first time together. The mantra you repeat to yourself in your best friend's voice when you're needing a moment of confidence. 

All of these tiny fragments create the mosaic of all that is me. Does this make these desires that come from this bigger picture mine or other people's? How do we know? And more importantly, does it matter to know? As I feel the self-imposed pressure creeping up and the stark difference between my life and so many of those around me, I am left to wonder what are my desires and what are those I've felt the burden to fulfill that are actually others?

You may be wondering how this ties into you, dear reader, and how this may impact you in intimacy. Funnily enough, it's the exact same thing. How much of what you do, seek, or experience in intimacy is because YOU genuinely desire it? How much of it is an outside desire adopted from societal expectations, porn, or what you think intimacy 'should' be? How much of your desire is shaped by the influence of your partners? Or how many of them are previous partners that you've inadvertently adopted as your own without even realizing it?

I believe the answer is this: you do the work…the deep, messy discovery process to try, to feel, to understand 'does this desire belong to me?'. Maybe the answer is hard no, maybe it's a yes, maybe it is somewhere in between. But as I sit here and spill my soul onto these pages, I believe the only path to fulfillment is by choosing to be brave enough to discover which desires are yours and then pursue them with reckless abandon. You might discover you've been lying to yourself about a desire because you think it's what's normal and everyone around you seems to want it. You may discover you've been adopting your partner's desires as your own. You may discover your desires are constantly shifting and that’s why the continued process of discovery is so vital. When you land on your desires - pursue them, despite the fear of failure, rejection, judgement, or whatever the voices in your head might be making up.

I am here to help you on your path to discovering your desires in the realm of intimacy. If you have a whisper of what it may be or if you feel totally unsure of what lives within you, I would love to accompany you through the journey of discovery. It'd be my honor. If any part of this stirred something in you, I'd love to help you keep going — book a discovery call today and let's start untangling desires to find out what's yours, and most importantly, how to pursue it.

Alexia Naomi is a Somatica-certified sex and intimacy coach offering virtual sessions worldwide. She specializes in intimacy coaching for men and support for individuals navigating relationships and sexuality after an HSV diagnosis.